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I noticed that Rod Blagojevich (pronounced Blah-goy-o-vich for you non-Chicagoans), the former Illinois governor also fondly referred to as Blago, and his wife Patti been having a rough go of it lately what with his corruption trial in Crook County. When the Chicago Tribune published a few highlights from government wiretap recordings, it hit me: if ever a dude needed a good copywriter, it’s Blago and Company!

So if we were to rewrite their most memorable quotes for the next round of political ads, a good copywriter would tweak them a bit to show a softer, gentler Blago and Patti. (Disclaimer: if you have kids reading this, be sure to cover their eyes AND ears. This is not for the faint of heart.)

BLAGO BEFORE: “I (expletive) busted my ass and pissed people off and gave your grandmother a free (expletive) ride on a bus. OK? I gave your (expletive) baby a chance to have health care. And what do I get for that? Only 13 percent of you all out there think I’m doing a good job. So (expletive) all of you.”
Blago on the voters who elected him, Election Day 2008

BLAGO AFTER: “Rod worked tirelessly, nearly checking himself into a hospital for heat stroke from all the hot air blowing through his thick, wavy hair–heck, he even makes sure Grandma gets to bingo with free rides on the bus! He is great with kids, too. That’s why Rod is disappointed that he received low approval ratings from his fans, so he would like everyone to take a deep breath and try to see things from his point of view. Call when you’re ready. He’ll be waiting in the bathroom.”

BLAGO BEFORE: “I’ve got this thing and it’s (expletive) golden. I’m not just giving it up for (expletive) nothing.”
Blagojevich in a November 5, 2008 phone conversation, trying to use his power and influence to name a replacement for Barack Obama in the U.S. Senate.

BLAGO AFTER: “Rod was willing to go to any length necessary to ensure that the U.S. Senate seat left open by Barack Obama went to a qualified candidate worth Rod’s weight in gold. He was deeply hands-on in the selection process: his hands were deep in everyone’s pockets. Clearly, this is a man who cares deeply about the who, what, where, when, why and how much.”

PATTI BEFORE: “Tell him to hold up that (expletive) Cubs (expletive). (Expletive) them. (Expletive) them. Why should you do anything for those (expletives)?”
Wife Patti, November 3, egging on her husband to use his influence to get some Tribune editorial writers fired who had written negative reviews of him by threatening to stop state financial help during the sale of Wrigley Field.

PATTI AFTER: “Patti went to the jungle and back for her family. Literally! In these economic times, when the ghost payroll ride was over, let’s face it, she did what she had to do. It’s unfortunate that in our society today a strong woman is still labeled a ‘bitch’ while a strong man is labeled…a man. Make no mistake: Patti Blagojevich is a woman who stands by her man.” (Cue the song by Tammy Wynette.)

Isn’t it amazing how easy it is to clean up even the dirtiest potty mouth? Yes, folks, that’s the (expletive) power and good (expletive)  fun of copywriting. I (expletive) love my job!