Archive for the 'Creative Life' Category

Be more creative. Yes, you!

Published December 6, 2012 Copywriting , Creative Life , Creative Writing , Creativity Coaching , Design , Work Life Leave a Comment
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Do you see that guy? He's diving off of a platform about 120' up in the air into the ocean at Rick's Cafe in Jamaica. Creative? Stupid? Brave? You be the judge.

Do you see that guy? He’s diving off of a platform about 120′ up in the air into the ocean at Rick’s Cafe in Jamaica. Creative? Stupid? Brave? You be the judge. (I jumped off the 30′ cliff and was scared to death!!)

Being in a creative profession, I live, eat, sleep, breathe and dream creativity. It’s my job to be a master of my craft. I’ve spent 20+ years working on this – and every day I learn something new. That’s what I love about this journey that I’ve chosen to pursue. Along the way, I’ve had the opportunity to meet interesting, creative, smart, cool people – and every one of them has a story. One refrain that I hear a lot is, “I’m not creative at all! How do you do what you do, especially in a short timeframe?”

I want to dispel any misconceptions right here, right now: creativity is a gift that we all have. It just looks different in everyone. I happen to make a living with my creativity, so I’ve dedicated a lot of my energy and time to understanding it. Creativity is a muscle that needs to be developed, trained and used. But the important thing to know is that we all have this muscle. Whenever someone tells me they are not creative, it makes me want to grab them by the shoulders, shake them and say, OH YES YOU ARE! :)

So if you’ve ever thought that you are not creative at all or wish to add more creativity in your life, here are 7 tips that have worked for me – and I hope they work for you, too.

1. Be curious. Creativity comes from a burning desire to understand, to know, to dive deeper than the surface of everyday life. Ask more questions. No – question everything. I drive people crazy sometimes with my questions, but if I don’t understand, how can I help? Listen for opportunities to ask questions. A great example is when someone says, No, we can’t do that, it will never work. Or my favorite: but this is the way we’ve always done it. I always ask, why? I read an analogy once, that you don’t tear down a fence without first finding out why it’s there. Maybe it is old and falling down and serves no purpose. Fine, tear it down. But if it’s there to keep the cows from wandering off into the hills, the fence needs to stay. But if you don’t ask questions, you’re missing the good stuff. I always get nervous when I am teaching a class or interviewing a creative professional and ask if there are any questions – and I get crickets.

2. Recognize your own creative passions. When one friend told me she was not creative, I reminded her about her flair for cooking and creating new dishes. I then reminded her that I have burnt hard-boiled eggs. :) Another friend who is an engineer said the same thing. I reminded him that every time he was given a problem to solve with a new design, he was being creative. Cooking, engineering and knitting may not seem on the surface to be as creative as the work that a poet or an artist does, but you are using the same creative muscle, just for different outcomes.

3. Find what lights you up inside. My good friend and neighbor recently took up knitting with her daughter. As she talked about it, her face lit up, she talked excitedly, and she was happy. Think about what does that for you. It could be tinkering with a car. Maybe it’s decorating. Whatever activity you can do and completely lose yourself in, that’s your creative outlet and you need to find a way to do more of it in your life. As we get older, it’s tougher to find time for yourself, but creativity is as essential to life as air, water, food and shelter. Without it, we are simply not whole. What you did creativity at age 9 might still suit you at 49, but if not, look for something new. Commit to giving yourself the gift of an hour a week devoted to your creative passion.

4. Listen more than you talk. This is hard for me when I am in the mood to talk, especially after I’ve had 3 extra-large Dunkin Donuts black coffees. :) It also requires that you can be comfortable with silence. When I first became a manager, I turned to a good friend with excellent business sense and years of management experience to tell me what I needed to improve. He said, “Learn how to be quiet.” (I guess I talk too much around him LOL) But I realized that this is critical not just for managers but for people. When you listen, you have more time and energy to observe and pay attention to the little details that tell you more than words ever could. That’s what creativity is about: seeing and hearing the truth below the surface – then finding a way to interpret and reflect back what you see.

Being in a group setting for me is like drinking 3 extra-large coffees. I turn into the Energizer Bunny (look! He has his own bio!). But making time to sit quietly and listen helps me understand people better. I can study their gestures. Listen for good dialogue and story starts. Another friend who is a photographer takes photo walks – she wanders Chicago on her lunch hour and takes photos of what moves her. Take time to listen and observe. It doesn’t take much time. Every morning after my workout at the local YMCA, I walk to my car and simply stare up at the endless sky of orange, blue and gray. I see mist rising above the field. The sun shines warm on my face. I close my eyes and I let it all sink in. It never ceases to fill me with joy. It takes 60 seconds. Give yourself this gift. You deserve it!

5. Know your own creative process. My work requires that I create something out of nothing, often with insane deadlines. It is not a 9am – 5pm job. I need time to think. To simmer. I also need a deadline – usually the more urgent the better. I work better under pressure, otherwise, I will simmer forever because I love to live in creative simmering mode. I need large blocks of time to work through a first draft. I need music at some points in my process, but silence at others. I always need coffee. Some work I can only do at 3am. Some people need to talk through a creative challenge and bounce around ideas, then go off and work it through alone. Some people need to work in a coffee shop, while others need to work at home in their pajamas (hey, it works for Hugh Hefner!). The point is, think about what you need. Then follow and feed your process. You’ll be surprised at how much more creative – and productive – you will be.

6. Seek out new experiences. Get out of your comfort zone. Try a new class at the gym. Force yourself to drive a different way to work every day for a week. Take a weekend off from life and go somewhere new. Try a new activity. I’ve gone to pottery classes with an artist friend (and have a misshapen bowl to show for it), learn a new language. Think of it as cross-training your brain. Every new activity that pushes you out of your comfort zone helps you get more comfortable with ambiguity and change – where creativity thrives. The picture in this post is from my vacation to Jamaica in 2010 – that cliff diver was a professional, but I dove off of a 30′ cliff that was made for amateurs. I am not coordinated, so I hit the water ass first, which I liken to getting spanked by God. But it was so out of my ordinary life, spent behind a desk, that it energized me for weeks afterward and I wrote three short stories in a week. Even though I couldn’t sit down for three days afterwards, it was worth it. :)

7.  Make your creativity a priority. I know, we’re all busy. I can’t remember if I ate breakfast let alone what I had and refuse to tell you how often I forget things because my mind is so preoccupied with the details of family, work and life. (Let’s just say that I often drive past my exit on the expressway because I am lost in creative thought and am on a first-name basis with my bank, as they call me frequently to let me know they salvaged my debit card, which I left in the cash station machine.) So yeah, I know, it’s tough to fit in time for anything else. But know this: you need creativity. You need to lose yourself in a creative passion, reaching that ‘zen’ state where you lose track of time and lose yourself in your creative work. You will be a better spouse, friend and employee because you are doing what you love.

I apologize this is so long, but there’s so much more I could say, I never get tired of this topic. Please share what works for you, what your creative passion is and how you fit creativity into your life – or want to. Inspire us!!

Simplify your words. Simplify your life.

Published November 28, 2012 Business , Copywriting , Creative Life , Creative Writing , Creativity Coaching , Marketing , Social Commentary 4 Comments
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Do you ever feel like life has just gotten way too complicated? Between juggling 98 work projects, 5 conference calls daily, piano lessons, soccer practices and games, carpool, birthday parties, lunches and dinners for a family of four 7 days a week, dog groomings/shots/weird emergencies (MOM! The dog ate the nail clippers!! Again!!), kid emergencies (middle of the night throwing up, strange rashes, best friend drama, teen drama, crushes), homework assignments, permission slips, parent-teacher conferences, 400 email passwords, and 4 email inboxes bursting at the seams…let me just tell you that a ‘simple’ trip down the laundry detergent aisle of my local grocery store with 17 different detergent options made me recently abandon my shopping cart (there were no cold products in it, I’m happy to say) and walk out to my car and just put my head down on my steering wheel for five full minutes.

That’s why reading this article on simplicity in messaging cheered me up immensely. I am a HUGE fan of keeping it simple – simply read the first paragraph of this blog post and you’ll know why. Every new technology, new app, new ‘innovation’ requires more of me – more creative ‘strong’ passwords; more log-in security questions and answers (which in good writer fashion I have begun to fictionalize for fun); more brain power; more time to ‘learn’ the fabulous new program or platform…in fact, when I told a friend I was getting my first iPhone on Friday, he said, “Good! You’ll have the whole weekend to figure it out.”

Wait – did you hear that? It was the sound of my iPhone excitement balloon deflating.

So yes, I am a fan of simplicity. In messaging and in life. More choices do not always mean better choices. Many people and companies feel that the more ‘options’ they provide, the better. The more content they provide, the better. The more choices in customization, the better. But you know what people really want?

They want to walk into the store, grab a laundry detergent, and go home. That’s it.

This simple philosophy applies in messaging, in marketing (especially B2B!), and in life. I work with people who are way smarter than me who make really cool yet very complicated technology. But if you can’t communicate the benefits of that cool, complicated technology clearly and concisely – and in a way that stands out from the clutter of other cool, complicated technology on the market, it won’t sell. Period. This is true in any business and in life. If you need to convince anyone of something – whether it’s your kids, your customers or yourself – you have to keep it simple.

Here are five simple ways to make sure your message is clear, concise and memorable no matter who you’re talking to:

1. Will a six-year-old get it? The old rule in my writing classes was, write for a sixth grade audience. I say make it six years old. Today most six-year-olds are more technology savvy than we will ever be. Distilling your message down to a six-year-old’s understanding does not make you less smart, make your message less relevant or your product any less cool. It just helps the people who buy it understand why they should. It helps people understand why they should listen to you and do what you want them to do.

Don’t have a six-year-old handy to try this out on? Borrow a friend’s kid. Practice on a niece or nephew. If you can’t explain to them what you do or what you’re trying to say, you need to rethink your message.

2. Read your message out loud. Are you using three-syllable words when a one-syllable word would do? Are you just showing off your big vocabulary? Do sentences run on for a full paragraph? After you read your message out loud, do you know what you actually said? Or is it like trying to read a paragraph with six toddlers around – you read it seven times and you’re still not sure what it said? If you answered yes to any of the above, try again. Simplify, simplify, simplify.

3. What 3 key points do you want people to remember? The rule of three is well-known to fiction writers. You get three wishes. Three days to complete your mission. There are three sisters. You get the idea. Why is this? Because it’s easier to remember. And in some cases, the story could go on forever – like some presentations we’ve all suffered through. :) If you continually find yourself reiterating points, rambling, writing 5 pages of messaging when you know damn well you only have 3 minutes to talk, ask yourself: what 3 things do I want people to remember? Write those three things down. Go from there.

I’ll let you in on a secret: I used this trick on myself in my personal life. When I decided I wanted to lose my stress/baby/negligent weight gain “once and for all,” I gave myself 3 simple rules: no white carbs, no sugar, no processed food. It was easy. I could remember it. I didn’t need to track points, look up calorie counts, keep a food journal, spend thousands of dollars on expensive prepared meals. All stuff that I don’t have the patience for. Not that I knock formal programs – whatever works for you. But I’m a simple gal. The power of 3 simple rules worked for me. I lost 40 pounds and have kept it off for almost two years now. I wouldn’t suggest this to you if I hadn’t tried it on myself, you know.

4. Is it memorable? Is it different? There are a lot of great writers in the world. But there are a select few who know how to write a headline, a phrase, or a question that just sticks with people. They remember it. In marketing, we call this your point of differentiation or value wedge. In real life, it’s called, what makes you different from everyone else? Find that. Work it. It could be a strong personal story or compelling statistic. For public speakers, it might be their delivery. Find something that is unique to you, authentic to your story or compelling in some way to your audience (not just you). Not offensive. Not questionable. Not over-sharing. Just – memorable. Honest. Simple. What will make your message different from what everyone else will say?

I remember when I was in graduate school studying for my MFA in Creative Writing, this fear came up a lot and I was no exception: what I have to say isn’t different, it’s been said before, it’s unoriginal, blah blah blah. The thing is, there are no original stories. The only thing that makes them different is your perspective, your experience of it. It’s the one thing that differentiates you from everyone else: you. Which leads me to the last point…

5. Does it reflect the real you? This is probably the toughest one for everyone, myself included. If you’re not typically perceived as a comedian, don’t force the jokes. If you’re a lighthearted, madcap creative person, don’t try to pull off a professor approach. Just be you. Find a story from your life that symbolizes what you’re trying to convey and also shows the ‘real’ you. There are times when you need to ‘fake it until you make it,’ but when you want to communicate a message, persuade or convince someone, this is not the time to be fake. This is the time to be you. This is what people will remember. After all, if you’re not OK with you, why should anyone else be?

I hope this helps you find the right way to tell your story, whether it’s for investors, customers, your kids, or yourself. Just so you know, the picture in my post is a sign that my 11-year-old daughter bought with her own money at a charity event. It says “Be Amazing.” It hangs right next to her bed with other pictures that inspire and enlighten her. It doesn’t get any more simple than that, does it?

So the next time you need to say something, just remember:  Be clear. Be simple. Be you. And above all, be amazing. :)

What to do when the holiday blues strike

Published November 20, 2012 Creative Life , Essays , Fun , Holidays , Social Commentary Leave a Comment
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A crisp “blue” day in Bray, Ireland – January 2012

I am normally a happy, energetic, bubbly person. But every year before Thanksgiving, I am struck by the ‘holiday blues.’ It usually passes quickly, but it comes on so suddenly and unexpectedly that I am often taken aback – even though it happens every year. There is so much pressure to ‘enjoy’ the holidays that it’s hard to feel anything less than 100% Grade A Happy. It almost feels sacrilegious, doesn’t it? (By the way, I lost representing the state of Indiana in 1982 for misspelling that word in seventh grade – and I was in Catholic school! Freudian slip? We’ll never know. :) ) Add to this all the stories you may hear from family, friends or colleagues who regale you with tales of family traditions, dinner plans and fun activities, and you can see where a little blue might seep in. :)

So I thought I would share 5 tips for dealing with the pressure of the holidays when you’re  not quite feeling it – for whatever reason life throws at you.

1. Listen to music. Find the right music to fit your mood and just go sit alone somewhere and lose yourself for 10-15 minutes.

2. Give yourself permission to cry. I am not a fan of crying, ok? But when you miss people who are no longer here or the way things used to be, sometimes a good cry is just what you need to flush some of the sadness out.

3. Create your own traditions. Last year we ran a charity 5K as a family. This year we’re going to a movie on Thanksgiving night. We vote as a family what we’ll do since we are often on our own, just the four of us. It’s good to remember the past, but it’s also good to create new traditions and memories for the future. Remind yourself of all the good in your life – good people, good things going on, and how you could always have it worse (as my mother used to say every time I attempted to complain about something). While you can’t go back in time, you can move forward – and look at this holiday season as an opportunity to make the holidays what you want them to be – and laugh at the chumps who have to cook for 500 people or visit 17 houses in 3 hours.

4. Don’t shop. Sorry, I am SO not a shopper. So Black Friday, Cyber Monday and coupons do nothing for me. I am more like a guy: i need a skirt, I go to a store, get the skirt, leave. Meandering around malls, even while searching for gifts for others, gives me hives, but it’s MUCH worse when there are 20 million people doing the exact same thing. Instead, think about something that makes you happy – something you love to do. Do that. Don’t shop.

5. Don’t work. There is a tendency to try to catch up on everything while you have a few days off. Don’t. Do the bare minimum. Okay, well, do  laundry so everyone has clean underwear because that’s the consequences are nasty. Watch stupid reality TV shows you never have the time or inclination for. Catch up on reading. If all else fails, you can always do what I tell my kids we will do on open weekends: “A whole lot of nothing.” It is always a big hit at our house. :)

I hope this helps you, because it helps me. What are your strategies for coping with the holiday blues? Please share! Thinking of you and wishing you peace during this overly commercialized, highly processed and perfectly packaged time of year.

feeling lost? think back to when you were 9

Published September 5, 2012 Creative Life , Creative Writing , Creativity Coaching , Essays , Social Commentary , Work Life 1 Comment
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When I was nine years old, I thought about what I wanted to be when I grew up. After exploring options like veterinarian, teacher and librarian, I finally settled on one thought: I want to write things that make people think.

Flash forward…a lot of years. I am now helping really smart people build compelling stories about very complex products. A big part of my job involves being a good listener. I listen to engineers talk about the fantastic, creative products they have dreamt up, designed and built, then created with the help of a team of other really smart people. I extract what I know will make a great story and help them build it with the tools and techniques I have honed through…a lot of years of studying the works of great writers and building stories for many companies.

There is nothing more satisfying to me than helping someone tell their story – whether it is a biography, a product messaging platform focused on the customer’s needs, or a white paper on the benefits of 40G or Class 4 antennas. Recently, I helped a team hone the strategic message for a new product launch. The product is cool, innovative and complex. At the end of a two-day messaging session with a team of eight, the leader of the team delivered a pitch based on the foundation we had just built that was clear, concise, and truly compelling. It truly confirmed that I am doing exactly what I set out to do: write things that make people think.

But it’s more than that – it’s about making people look at the way the way they tell their stories – about their products, about themselves – in a way that moves people. We are so jaded as a society, authenticity is the only way to be heard, to make an impact, whether it’s to become more authentic as a creative professional or to tell a more compelling brand story, find a way into the plot or the painting or any other creative expression. It is about watching people become more open and comfortable telling their story in a way that matters. I help people give words to their story so their voice will be heard through the clutter of blogs, social media, reality TV shows and 20 million channels of clutter. My work is about helping others give voice to ideas, to technology, to new ways of thinking. I am always honored to be a witness and participant in this process.

At nine years old, I didn’t know what my vision would look like…many years later. :) But I feel blessed to know that I had a vision. And that I am able to use it every day.

If you are feeling lost, think about your vision of your life when you were nine years old. What did you want to do? What did you hope for? You may be surprised to find that you are already doing it. If not, ask yourself why. Then go for it.

the power of doing nothing

Published August 22, 2012 Creative Families , Creative Life , Creative Parenting , Creative Writing , Creativity Coaching , Essays , Work Life 4 Comments
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As a creative professional, I’m constantly faced with new challenges and decisions: what’s the best way to tell this brand story? What will resonate most with the audience? What will make them laugh, cry, comment on Facebook or order the product I am helping to market? What’s the best way to get all the different people on the project engaged and aligned? But the toughest challenge by far for any project I work on is this: where do I start?

This is where the power of doing nothing is absolutely critical. Everyone has a process that they use to get things done. I’m no exception. Doing nothing is a big part of my process, especially when I am faced with what seems to be an overwhelming task. I find that this has been helpful in even in my regular life. When I am most overwhelmed and uncertain where to begin, I start by doing…nothing.

I sit in my screened-in porch. I take in the swaying oak trees taller and older than I will ever be. I let the whoosh of the wind in the leaves wash over me. I watch the flash of the red cardinal darting in and out of the bushes. I listen for squirrels’ feet padding along the top of my neighbor’s falling-down wooden fence in desperate need of paint, then watch them chase each other in circles around my yard and up a tree. I watch my dopey 110-pound dog try to catch them, climbing damn near two feet up the tree with her huge claws dug into the bark as she strains every muscle in her neck to reach the squirrel chattering, taunting her from a branch one dog nostril out of her reach. I listen to music that moves me and baptizes my brain of everything but the rhythm and the pattern of the harmonies. As the lyrics wash over me, I feel the worry and the fear – Will I be able to do this? Will I find the right words? Will I ever find my way in to this story? Maybe I don’t have it anymore. Maybe I’m not good enough. Maybe this is too much. Maybe I should give up. – all of that recedes as my brain powers down, forgets, feels, senses its way to…

…the answer I have been toiling to reach for hours or days to reach. It is murky and mysterious at first, I can’t make out what it is. So I make a grilled cheese sandwich, go sit down in the family room and stare out the bay window at the trees trying to see it until I smell something burning and remember I was making a grilled cheese sandwich. I toss it in the trash and walk the dopey dog around the pond. As I watch the ducks take flight from the water, tiny droplets falling from their webbed feet as they rise into the air in perfect unison, I feel the idea growing in me as sure as I felt my first-born flutter in my belly for the first time as I sat in a poetry reading 12 years ago. (He was stirred by the words, of this I am certain.) The idea is there. But it’s not ready yet. I’m not ready yet.

At six o’clock I make dinner and as I stir a pot of rice, my idea simmers as I wait for the water to boil. I sit at the dinner table and listen to tales of best friend sacrileges, Minecraft dramas, and remind everyone to keep their elbows off the table and put their napkins in their laps. I make sure homework is done, permission slips are signed, teeth are brushed, allergy medicine is consumed, and everyone is tucked in happy with all technology devices powered off and out of reach.

At midnight when the house is quiet and dark and no one needs me anymore, I drive to the grocery store and buy a case of Stella for me and a carton of Oreo Cookie Ice Cream for the kids and as I’m paying, the old, bored cashier with her spiky hairdo and bubblegum-pink lipstick and more gold bracelets than any human should be allowed to wear at one time surveys me in my sweats, t-shirt and converse sneakers with my beer and ice cream purchase and I know what she is thinking. This girl has just been dumped by the love of her life and is now off to drown and eat her sorrows away. I grin and shrug my shoulders in a sheepish “sorry no, these are my writing clothes” kind of way that writers learn to master over the years. And as I swipe my credit card – then dutifully swipe it again because I did it upside down the first time, the flicker of the idea flaps its tiny wings, becoming more clear, more recognizable as it slowly takes shape and floats to the surface, creating ripples of recognition.

I am ready to start. Ready to write. Ready to tackle that overwhelming challenge. I have found my way in.

I once attended a reading by David Sedaris, humorist, essayist, NPR speaker and one of my favorite authors (“Me Talk Pretty One Day,” among others). Afterwards, my friend and I waited in line for him to sign our books. After he scribbled a lewd drawing on my friend’s book for her twelve-year-old son and made a wisecrack I can’t repeat, I handed him my book and asked him what the toughest part was about writing funny. He told me about having to write a Thanksgiving dinner story for the New Yorker and how many times and ways he tried to start it. People behind me were impatient and muttering, but he took his time telling his story. I hung on every word. Finally he said, “The hardest part? Finding my way in.”

Next time you are feeling overwhelmed, unsure of where to start, try doing nothing. I hope you find your way in. Let me know how it goes.

Is technology driving us apart – or closer together?

Published May 10, 2012 Creative Life , Creative Parenting , Creativity Coaching , Essays , Marketing , Social Commentary 1 Comment
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I recently attended The Art of Marketing conference in Chicago featuring Seth Godin and the question was posed to the audience: how many of you feel like technology is isolating us as a society? I did not raise my hand. I looked around and was shocked to see the majority of hands up. Now, I’ve seen this question posed in forums like TED, NPR and other thoughtful, intellectual places. But I hadn’t really formed an opinion. Until now.

I think technology is driving the need for people to come together more urgently than ever before. Children are on Facebook and Twitter doing what one expert described as “self revealing before self reflecting.” Technology changes are eliminating some jobs yet creating new ones. Our economy has been turned inside out and upside down. The business climate changes faster than Chicago weather in two hours. The changes driven by technology are happening so fast, we don’t have time to process it, let alone buy the next generation device.

As a marketing professional, I’m excited. So many new opportunities! So many new ways to communicate and share! So many new things to learn and master! As a wife, mother and regular person who regularly forgets to water her plants, yells at my kids when they get on my last remaining nerve, and can never seem to remember where I last placed my coffee or my glasses, it terrifies me.

That’s why I feel the basics of connection are more important than ever before. Saying good morning, please and thank you. Taking time before a meeting for personal chat before diving into the project at hand. Making time to meet for coffee. Asking someone, “How are you?” and meaning it – then listening thoughtfully to the answer. Picking up the phone and calling instead of emailing or texting (once in a while, anyway – I’m not really a phone talker). Sitting down for dinner with the kids with the TV off, cell phones/iPads/iPods/laptops put away, and taking turns asking how everyone’s day was. We ask questions and listen to the answers: what’s something good that happened? Bad? Sad? What is something new you learned today? What surprised you?

One of my proudest moments as a parent was when my then 11-year-old son came home from school and said he had good news to share. “What is it?” I asked excitedly. He smiled secretively and said, “I’ll save it to share at dinner.” This from a kid who believes MineCraft is a metaphor for life. :)

I think that technology is a reminder that as much as things change – or no matter how fast – we can get through it if we stick together. And remember that no technology can ever replace the basic need we all have: to connect. To share. To belong. To know our place in the big, bad, technologically savvy world. And to know that at the end of any day, someone will be sitting at the table waiting to hear about your day.

Back to the Art of Marketing conference, the first speaker: Keith Ferrazzi, best-selling author and thought leader, who spoke about relationship marketing. Technology might enable relationships. But people sustain them.

What do you think? Is technology driving us apart or driving us closer together?

Why are girls so mean?!

Published April 19, 2012 Creative Families , Creative Life , Creativity Coaching , Essays , Kids , Social Commentary 7 Comments
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Tonight I comforted my 1o-year-old daughter – again – about her break-up with her best friend. It wasn’t her idea. So while she is struggling to understand why her best friend no longer wants to be her best friend, her former best friend has moved on and is doing just fine with her new best friend. And it is getting uglier every day. I hug her as she sobs and describes in painstaking detail about the latest transgression with the ‘new best friend.’ And I feel completely, utterly at a loss to explain to her what is happening and why.

My daughter is on the far right. This is not the best friend she broke up with. It is someone she met once, one hour earlier...at an age before girls start turning on each other.

How do you explain to her that girls – all people – can be mean? Really really mean? That they don’t care that you go home at night and cry your heart out after holding in your feelings all day long? I’m not a psychologist. I’m just a mom. I’ve seen the movie “Mean Girls” and heard about the book “Queen Bees and Wannabees.” But sitting there on my daughter’s bed, seeing her lip quivering as she tried to hold back the tears, I could remember nothing from either the movie or the book in that moment.

It used to be so easy when she was younger. There was some drama, but now in fourth grade, it seems to have reached a new level. My first reaction is to comfort her and tell her I’m sorry she is having to go through this. I hug her. I listen to the stories. I empathize. I rack my brain to come up with something, anything, to tell her that will help. But I can’t fix it. I’m no expert on behavior. All I can do is tell her what I know to be true.

1. You don’t need 527 friends. Just one or two real ones. This is a tough one to explain when you are not the popular girl. My daughter has already been bullied in school and via text, though. She knows what it’s like every day to not be the popular girl – and what it’s like when the popular girl suddenly drops you. It’s a bitter, painful lesson and I hate to see her learn it. But I know she must. It’s part of growing up, made so much more complicated in our 24/7, always-on world full of technological ways to be bullied and reminded that you are on the outside looking in.

2. Own your part. I remind my girl of how she behaved badly at times when she was the best friend of the popular girl. She cries a little more, but I don’t let up on her. I remind her that others felt then just as badly as she feels now. Remember this, I tell her. Now that you know how it feels, you must be sure that you never, ever make anyone else feel the way you do right now. She nods. I know that I will need to remind her of this again. But I can see the seed is planted.

3. Be yourself. It’s hard to explain to a child that in a world where conformity is the norm, that it’s best to be your true self. When you do, you will make friends who see you for who you truly are and appreciate and love you for who you really are – warts, goofy humor, big feet and all. It may not happen tomorrow. It may not make you the most popular girl in school now. But you will have better, deeper friendships. You will be happier with who you are because you are not looking for someone else’s stamp of approval. You are the only one who give yourself that.

But my daughter is still learning who she is. She knows, but I think in weak moments like this, she forgets. So I remind her. I tell my daughter all that I know to be true about her: she is smart, creative, artistic, musical, funny, and sweet. I tell her she is an original and has a spark that lights her up inside. She listens to this very carefully. She desperately needs to hear this, to have herself mirrored back to her because right now she has lost sight of who she is. And at 10, she doesn’t know yet who she is, and the road before her to figure that out is long and hard. I want to make sure I give her the right tools for the journey.

4. You can’t control others, only how you react to them. I have to remind myself of this all the time, I tell her. You can drive yourself crazy trying to make someone like you or wishing they would change or treat you better or that things would go back to the way they were. But it is a waste of energy because you can’t change someone else. Never. Ever. So focus on what you can control and change: yourself.

5. Your feelings are perfectly normal. But it’s what you do with them that matters. I pull out the book I am reading, Emotional Intelligence 2.0, and show her a picture of the brain that shows how feelings enter the limbic part of the brain first, where emotions are experienced. The picture shows that beyond that part of the brain is the rational center of the brain. Some people get stuck in the emotional part of the brain and don’t connect to the rational part, so that they can understand and analyze the feelings to try to make sense of them. Not all kids are into this kind of thing, but my daughter loves to see the science and order behind the chaos. She asks to see the book and studies the picture. And you know what? It calmed her. It made sense to her. She needed that because feelings don’t always make sense and they can be big and scary.

In the end, I turn to my words because as a writer, it is all I have. I ask my daughter: what is the center of the universe? And she says, the sun. And I ask her: who is the sun of your universe? She looks down at her stuffed bear. I tell her that right now, she is making her ex-friend the center of her universe. I tell her that she needs to be the center of her own universe. She looks up at me, hopeful, and I can see that she gets it.

I don’t tell her that someday she may have a child who will become the new center of her universe. There is time for that later. For now, tonight, she needs to know that making anyone else the center of your universe – whether it’s a best friend, a spouse, the popular girl in school – will throw your entire universe off balance. And you will cry yourself to sleep every night.

Be the center of your own universe, I tell my daughter. You are smart. You are funny. You are sweet. You are musical and artistic. You are an original. You are creative. You are loving. You are loved.

I only hope my words did not fail me tonight.

What’s so great about being in your 40′s

Published December 1, 2011 Creative Life , Essays , Social Commentary 1 Comment
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I was talking with a good friend (are there any other kind?) the other day, and we were discussing work and the various challenges we were facing. And he said, “You’re in your 40′s, you’re supposed to be challenged.” I laughed, but later, that comment stuck with me. Most of the articles I read about being in your 40′s are related to the crappy stuff: what you can’t wear anymore, things you can’t do anymore because you’re of  ’a certain age’ now, exercising for your age, blah blah blah.

How come no one talks about the good stuff that can happen once you cross over to the land of 40? Here are five positive things I’ve noticed kicked in this decade:

1. Lower bullshit tolerance. I’ve found that the older I get, the less bullshit I am willing to tolerate. Toxic people, bad behavior, activities I participated in for other people not myself…I don’t have time or patience for it anymore. Maybe it’s because you realize in your 40′s that half your life is behind you and you never know how much more is in front of you, so why waste it on people or things you don’t like?

2. Higher empathy quotient. I’ve always been an overachiever, and in expecting a lot from myself, I think I expected too much from others, too. Maybe it’s because I’m a mom and I see how this approach doesn’t work with kids. Maybe it’s because I have a child who has ADHD and I see him struggle to overcome his challenges. Maybe it’s watching my dad struggle a little more as he approaches 80 years old. Whatever it is, I’ve learned to slow down, listen when people talk and try to hear between the lines, and try to understand where they’re coming from. We’re all doing the best we can.

3. More patience. While my bullshit tolerance has gone down, I think I have gained a little more patience. I’ve never been good at that, but between juggling work, kids, and life, you drop a few balls sometimes…so you have to learn to roll with the punches. I’ve forgotten picture day at school, shown up at meetings with Cheerios in my hair (from the babies, not me!), and once went to an event with a lollipop stuck to the back of my skirt (thanks kids for leaving that on my front seat for me!) It makes me much more understanding when things don’t go as planned.

4. More inward focus, less outward. I don’t know about you, but the older I get, the more I find myself seeking out things that will make me more balanced on the inside. Finding more meaning in my creative work, forging deeper connections with people I care about, letting go of the past so I can see what’s in front of me…all of these things matter more to me today than they ever did before.

5. More incentive to stay strong. Let’s face it, after 40+ years on the planet, you’ve experienced everything from the death of loved ones to job loss to money woes, illness, kid drama and everything in between. It can make you feel 100 years old — if you let it. And it’s hard to watch older relatives struggle with illness and age-related issues. If you’ve ever seen what cancer or Alzheimer’s can do to someone you love, you know what I mean. It inspires me to eat healthier, work out more and try to take better care of myself so that I can stay strong for the long haul.

So maybe I am wearing all the wrong things for my age, but I’m still learning, I’m still challenging myself, and I’m doing the best I can. What do you say? What’s great about your 40′s? Or was there another decade that was even better for you?

7 comebacks for why you are not writing or finishing your book that just might trigger you to start writing again

Published May 23, 2011 Creative Life , Creative Writing , Fun , Work Life 2 Comments
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Let’s say you are a writer and that, at some point, you have told your friends or family that you wanted to or were writing a book. Chances are pretty good that someone at some point has asked you how said book is going, if you are still writing, are you published, or another variation on, “Well, when the hell are you going to finish that thing already?!”

Now, we all assume that these kind-hearted souls are trying to be supportive. But let’s say that the moment they ask you this, your writing or otherwise so-called creative life is as off track as your exercise life, and you feel like you’ve been caught by your Weight Watchers sponsor on the couch with a box of doughnuts in one hand and a super size DQ Blizzard in the other while watching Biggest Loser.  

I feel your pain.

Now pass me a Long John because I have good news. Since I am very busy not writing my book right this minute, I have concocted 7 snappy little comebacks you can whip out when people ask you if you are writing, finishing or publishing your book. And the best part is, most of them are actually writerly exercises in disguise, which may or may not prompt you to start writing again.

So the next time anyone asks why you are not writing or finishing your book, you will respond:

I am not writing or finishing my book because…

1. “I have never recovered from…” You can either finish this statement with a fictional disaster–being raised by a wild pack of roosters–or simply shake your head and wave the person away for it is simply too awful to contemplate let alone speak of it. Every time someone asks you why you haven’t finished your project, it implies that there is something wrong with you. No one likes failed expectations. So give the people what they really want: a chance to speculate on what is wrong with you. Is it a disease? Is there a cheating spouse? Is this a manifestation of something terrible that happened in childhood? (Cue the roosters.) This can lead to juicy gossip and if you’re lucky, even better fiction than you could have dreamed up alone on the couch slurping your DQ Blizzard.

2. “I’m swamped at the alpaca farm!” Sometimes, you have to lie to get people off your back. And that’s OK, because we’re writers, we make sh*t up all the time. Consider it writing practice! It’s good for you to flex your tall tale muscles as often as possible. Just make sure it’s a VERY tall tale, because if you start mumbling about being busy with work and the kids and laundry blah blah blah, people will hassle you because you have disappointed them (see failed expectations in comeback #1). If you’re a writer, you had better have a damn good excuse for not writing. So you need a distraction. You need to lie.

If you’re very good at it, they will forget about the book and become fascinated with your new life on the alpaca farm. And you just might have a new story on your hands.

3. “I can’t live without the anticipation.” You can follow this up by stating that unlike the rest of the world, you rather enjoy waiting–at the doctor’s office, at the vet, in line at the bank, and especially at  Six Flags Great America and Disneyland. On Christmas morning, you are the last one to open your gifts. Sometimes you even wait until the next Christmas to open them. Waiting is the best part and you’ve got nothin’ but time. You are one big Heinz Ketchup bottle of Anticipation, baby. Bring it!

4. “I’m afraid success may change me.” Everyone already knows what it feels like to fail–personally, I have the editors’ rejection letters to prove it. But if you write a Harry Potter or Twilight and knock it out of the park, there is a 50/50 chance you might become one of those doomed “The Lottery Changed My Life” people and end up drinking yourself to death in a motel room in Vegas, broke and alone, while the few people who actually remember you say, “Wow, if only she hadn’t hit success with that big fat book, she might still be here today, giving us gambling money.”

Hopefully by the time you explain this, people will have moved on to the slot machine and you and your failed expectations will be long forgotten. If not, see “You need a distraction” in #3. I recommend yelling, “Tequila shots for everyone? Wow, thanks <insert friend’s name here>.” (Be sure to invite me if you’re going to use that one.)

5. ”I am currently extrapolating the dilemma of good vs. evil in a postmodern yet dialectic society that is analogous to Planet of the Apes.” You will probably only have to add one more nonsensical sentence before the audience’s eyes glaze over. All they will remember is the last thing you said, Planet of the Apes, and this is good because it acts as a transitional element for them to change the conversation to anything other than your writing.

This will be good practice for you if you have not done a reading in front of a live audience. It’s important to know exactly where in your writing people tuned out. WARNING: This is probably the best way to ensure that someone NEVER asks you about your book or your writing again, so use it wisely.

6. “But sweetie, writing takes me away from you for far too long!” Add a sweet smile at the end and you might just get lucky. But if you don’t, or you’re just pissed off and sick of people asking you about your damn writing, go with #7:

7. “My book is about you.” Immediately let out a forlorn sigh and stare off in the distance as if you are struggling with a mighty dilemma. At that point, the other person will either A. slap you, B. call a lawyer, C. cry, D. slap you again, or E. all of the above. Which means–you guessed it–you need a distraction. See “tequila shots” in #4.

And that’s it my friends, seven snappy, snarky little comebacks you can whip out at a moment’s notice when you are caught red-handed, not writing. Perhaps you have been inspired by all of these exciting potential confrontations. If so, get back to your chair and start writing again. If not, I say go for the tequila. There’s always a good story after tequila. :)

Celebrating Mother’s Day when Mom’s not there

Published May 6, 2011 Creative Families , Creative Life , Essays , Holidays 2 Comments
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We all know what moms are supposed to be: patient, kind and loving. They are supposed to know how to sing lullabies and kiss boo-boo’s. They are supposed to cook and clean and decorate cupcakes like it’s nobody’s business. They are supposed to work hard at home and at work and be good friends, good daughters, good sisters and aunts. But most importantly?

They are supposed to be there.

Moms should be there when it counts: at our sporting events and school plays. For our first kiss, first job, first marriage. Moms should be there when you become a mom and join the ‘hood. They should be there for every baby thereafter. Moms should be there forever.

But what happens when they’re not? What do you do when they leave or get sick or die? What do you do when they are there but disconnected, in a “lights are on but nobody’s there” way? What do you do when they are there but you wish they weren’t? And then Mother’s Day comes along, with its high expectations for a Norman Rockwell (or should I say Normal Rockwell) day?

My mom died on March 18, 1994. It was six months before my wedding. By the time her cancer was diagnosed, it was too late, but we didn’t know it then, my sister, father and I. We didn’t have Google or WebMD then; hope was all we had. But that was a long time ago, right? I’m done with that, right? With two kids of my own now, Mother’s Day should be a snap. Right??

But what I am learning is that when there are all these things a mom is supposed to be, you are never “done” coming to terms with the loss of a parent. Your grief merely changes shape over time. My mom and I did not always see eye to eye. She died before I really came into my own as a person, so I like to think that we would have become friends. But I’ll never really know.

I am (mostly) OK with this. I don’t cry anymore on Mother’s Day. I don’t choke up anymore when I see a mother and daughter walking in the mall who look so alike there is no doubt they are mother/daughter. But  seeing my older sister being a grandparent to her grandchildren, I feel the sadness and loss of what my children will never experience. When my elderly neighbors invite their adult children and the grandchildren over for Sunday dinner, there is something about the sight of the grey-haired couple standing on their porch stoop, waving goodbye as everyone backs out of the driveway…it’s the sting of what will never be.

I know what a mom is supposed to be. But here’s what my mom really was: she insisted on family dinners every Sunday. She wore her hair in a beehive long after it ceased being fashionable (it was once, right?). She never got her hair wet in the pool and she could sew a pantsuit like it was nobody’s business. She made the best homemade chicken noodle soup. She loved McDonald’s but maybe Long John Silver’s a little more. She read People magazine and The Star and Enquirer. She loved Elizabeth Taylor. She told me I could go to college someday, even though no one else in our family, herself included, had ever gone.

When she died, I didn’t know how to be a wife or mother. She was a buffer between being a kid and a grown-up and when she died, it was like the earth cracked open and I lost everything, myself included. But here’s the thing: I got stronger, too.

I learned how to decorate a house and order window treatments. I never learned how to sew but I did learn that a tailor and a dry cleaner work even better. I learned how to cook for 20 and make pie crusts from scratch. I learned that life is short and tomorrow doesn’t always come, so I finished my grad school application and got that MFA I’d been thinking about. I learned that if I wanted something, I was going to have to get it for myself. And while I missed Mom’s stamp of approval on my life, there is something liberating about charting your own course, free of someone else’s idea of what it should look like. My life felt more real because I had more at stake and no one to blame but me if I failed.

I remember after one particularly bitter fight when I was about 12, my mom gave me a long look and said, “You’re going to write about this some day, aren’t you?” I gave her my best eye roll and a snotty ‘tween look, but deep down, we both knew she was right. Dammit.

Miss you, Mom. Happy Mother’s Day.

 

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