True Love: I Never Saw It Coming, Baby

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I loved you child

From the moment I knew of you

*
I was there for your first

Breath

Word

Step

First mashed bananas

Smeared on your soft, plump cheeks

The whole body shudder

At your first taste of peas

I ate them first, said yum!

So you ate them too

Then spit them right out

I laughed

I remember

Your baby giggle

Your gentle hands

Reaching for my smile

*

I was there

For every heart

Ache

Break

Boys, school, friends, wins

Losses

Seeing it in the slump of your shoulders

The weight of the world

In every word you

Never had to say

*

I was there

Telling you what you needed to

Know

Don’t forget your key

Put a jacket on I’m cold just looking at you

The boy always comes to the door to get you

The boy always opens the door for a lady

Hang up your bath towel so it doesn’t get mildewed

Put the toothpick in the center of the cake

To make sure it’s done

Use a Q-Tip, girl, to clean up your eyeliner

If it smudges

Yes, boy, you have to wear deodorant

Yes, boy, every day

Look the other person in the eyes

When you shake hands

When you apologize

Shake like you mean it

Say it like you mean it

Buckle your seat belt

Take the turns 

Slow

*

I was there for all of it, I know

I remember every day like

One lazy, never-ending river

Was there ever a time

Without you?

*

Now you tell me you know

Because I’ve already told you

I tell you again anyway

I say it’s not for you

It’s for me

I’m old

I forget stuff

We laugh

I remember the tenderness

of your baby fingers

on my cheek

*

I loved you child

From the moment I knew of you

Funny, it’s hard to find love

Yet with the mere knowledge of you

My heart

Grew

*

Living every day

Thinking of you

Worrying about you

Making the sandwiches

Picking up the towels

Washing the clothes

Cooking the dinners

Wiping away the tears

Calming the fears

Driving you wherever

You need to go

*

The hardest thing

I’ve ever had to do

Is hold you

Soothing not solving

While you cried in my arms

Holding your hurt in my heart

As if it were my own

My hands always outstretched

To catch you

If you fall

*

Seasons are changing

We stand together

Side by side on the ledge

Look down at the water

Clear yet deep

Look at each other

Count to three

Jump

*

You still call me Mommy

I still say “What-y?”

We both still giggle

*

I loved you, child

From the moment I knew of you

I will love you

Always

Forever

Just because you’re you

Mommy

 

Tonight’s musical inspiration from my friend Ben. It has just the right tempo for what I was trying to say. It was a beautiful day here in Chicago today, sunny and 75 degrees, a rare treat this time of year. I wanted to go to sleep early. But this. Turning in the back of my mind for days. Trying to find the words, the shape, the form. The music helps me find it. Frame it. Tell the story that needs to be told. It’s raining a little as I read this again. Refine. Listen to what my heart wants to say. Make sure the words are honest and true.

 

What Motherhood Has Taught Me

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My loves, my sillies, a long time ago. Or was it yesterday?

As another Mother’s Day nears and my kids grow another year closer to adulthood, I am thinking back on it all. The tattered hard copy of Goodnight Moon recited by heart. Bath/book/bed routines. Play groups. Walking through the grocery store when they were littles and feeling SO proud of myself for getting a shower in and dressing up in something other than sweat pants, the kids well behaved in the cart and I thought – yeah, I’m on it! I got it all together today! Go me!

And then in the checkout lane, the woman behind me whispered, “Excuse me, but did you know that you have a lollipop stuck on the back of your skirt?”

Motherhoood is a sticky business.
When I first announced to the world that I was pregnant, there is one phrase I heard most often: “Your life is going to change!” This was usually followed by knowing smiles or laughter. I remember saying, “Yeah, I know.”

I didn’t know shit.

Seventeen years and two kids later, I get it. I’m going to try to capture just how life-changing motherhood has been for me and a few of the lessons I’ve been humbled to learn in no particular order. For mother’s day. For moms everywhere who show up every day fighting the good fight.   Continue reading “What Motherhood Has Taught Me”

Coming Out of the Closet: Making Space for Your Dream

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my writing desk. reminding me to show up.

This post is for anyone who has ever had a dream. The passionate ones. Creative ones. Visionaries. Artists. Storytellers. Meaning makers. Lost ones looking for the way back to something they feel but can’t see.

You.

I was cleaning out my closet this past weekend and it got me thinking about dreams.  Those big, hairy, audacious ideas for something you love to do but don’t. It’s scary to put your dream out there, let alone go for it. A dream is a tiny flicker of a flame and there are dream crushers everywhere. One wrong look or word and poof!

It’s gone.

But the dream keeps tugging at your sleeve: Listen! Pay attention to this! This is good stuff! Let’s see what we can make happen here!

It’s soooo easy to defer your dream.
If you follow me, you know my story. I’ve known I wanted to be a writer since I was five years old. Two degrees, a professional writing career and 43 years later, I’m just now getting back to making space for my dream of being an author. There. I said it.

< insert terrified look here >

It’s one thing to say you want to do or be something. It’s quite another to make the commitment despite the doubts, insecurity and gigantic hairball of fear that tells you oh no, you can’t do THAT. That’s not going to put food on the table, pay for goalie gloves and new brakes for the truck. You’re not good enough. Who do you think you are, thinking you can do THAT??? And then there’s life. That thing that happens when you’re busy making other plans.

But then there is that little tug on your sleeve.

Continue reading “Coming Out of the Closet: Making Space for Your Dream”

Why I Quit Online Dating: One Year Later…Lessons Learned

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Orlando. There are alligators in there. But the water is moving in the right direction.

I wrote about quitting online dating one year ago this month. Seems like a lifetime ago. Enough time and distance to write a follow-up with perspective possibly worth sharing. As Anais Nin said more eloquently than I ever could, “The role of a writer is not to say what we can all say, but what we are unable to say.” Whether you’re just venturing back into dating after a breakup, considering or in the throes of online dating, recently divorced, or just curious about what it’s like to date again later in life, here’s my story. For what it’s worth. I hope you find what you are looking for.

First: My online dating “stats”
I’m 48. Married 19 years, together 22. Divorced for three. Two teens who live with me full time. I did Match.com (tolerable) on and off for about a year. Dabbled in eHarmony (hated it – too regimented and reminded me of Catholic school).

Why I signed up for online dating
I waited a year after my divorce. I remember telling myself: Continue reading “Why I Quit Online Dating: One Year Later…Lessons Learned”

Supermom is Flying Straight to Hell: The Power of Magical Thinking on Tough Days

me and my goofballs…somewhere

It’s been a week. Already. And it’s only Tuesday. 🙂 Have you ever had a string of days where you thought, what the ??  Yeah. It was that.

In the last week, my only work computer crapped out and had to be restored from scratch. The furnace crapped out. The storm door broke. The back porch drain backed up. Been cleaning up water from all the April Chicago rain for days. The only toilet in the house backed up. Seriously.

I should tell you that the plumber took great pleasure in ripping reams of toilet paper off the roll and throwing it with great flourish into the toilet to show me –  okay, I have no idea what. I’m sure there was a point there but I still fail to see it. He did it three times!! All I could think was – do you know how expensive toilet paper is?? And how much of it we go THROUGH in a week??? He asked me five million questions. I was starting to think I should have just looked this up on YouTube and did it myself when he asked me for a wire hanger. I’m like – um, you have a guy standing right next to you and two vans outside – you don’t have a tool or something? They laughed. I got the hanger. I’ve never met such a needy plumber, for God’s sake. Continue reading “Supermom is Flying Straight to Hell: The Power of Magical Thinking on Tough Days”

Cavalier about Croutons: A Reflection on Cooking, Food and Family

FullSizeRender I just finished my first Blue Apron meal – have you ever tried it? This is the Spiced-Rub Roast Beef with collard greens and potato salad. This is not a review of Blue Apron or cooking – as anyone who follows me knows, I don’t review recipes or food. 🙂 But the experience of trying this service got me thinking about food, cooking and relationships. The writer in me can’t help but think about the life parallels and metaphors.

My relationship to food is – like for a lot of people – complicated. To say I was a picky eater as a kid is an understatement. Nothing could touch on the plate. I had to eat one thing at a time before I could eat something else. I had many rules and rituals. I loved sugar. I snuck white bread with a huge layer of sugar whenever no one was looking. I loved to eat Cool Whip straight out of the tub (and put it back – yuck!!). Sugar is my cocaine. (Which is why I cut out desserts and sugar-laden foods six years ago.) There are many things I haven’t tried – burritos, collard greens until today. The list is long and ridiculous.

I am trying to change that and be more adventurous now. Never too late, right??

Meet my grandma: The woman who taught me the meaning behind the food. Continue reading “Cavalier about Croutons: A Reflection on Cooking, Food and Family”

The Vision: A Little Yellow Kitchen, Candles, Music, Laughter

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home. i’m almost out of k-cups and I really need to throw out those bananas lol, we always forget to eat them.

Four years ago, I had a vision. It was, as my visions tend to be, simple: a tiny yellow painted kitchen with a window over the sink. Candles. Music. Laughter. At the time, I was going through a divorce and there was very little to laugh about. I had no idea where we were going, let alone where we were going to live. And then this yellow kitchen scene appeared in my mind’s eye. I didn’t know what it meant or where it was. I don’t even like yellow very much. But after years of visioning scenes, characters and stories as a writer, I knew enough to tuck it away, trusting that the vision would become clear when the time was right.

Continue reading “The Vision: A Little Yellow Kitchen, Candles, Music, Laughter”