Traveling by air? Enjoy your free TSA Enhanced Pat Down!

Nine New Taglines for the TSA

I am always grateful to government agencies, oil companies and politicians for giving lowly marketing copywriters like me more fodder to write about than I could ever conjure up on my own. That’s why I’m also grateful that the Transportation Security Administration (TSA) is providing “enhanced pat-downs” to ensure our safety during air travel in these times of heightened security risk.

I don’t know about you, but I feel infinitely safer from terrorism now that bladder cancer survivors won’t even think about sneaking suspicious liquids into their medical devices, all thanks to the trusty TSA.

To show my gratitude, I give you my top 9 picks for new TSA taglines:

1. Sex tapes are out. Naked x-rays are in!

2. Terrorist attack or cancer from the x-ray: You have a choice!

3. T-shirt slogan: “I was inspected by TSA Agent #24.”

4. TSA: Checking every American fat roll and muffin top with pride.

5. TSA: Have you had your grope today?

6. Limited-time only: No-fee pat-downs!

7. TSA: Get your own private screening.

8. TSA: Let our fingers do the walking!

9. Wow, these are friendly skies!

Of course, you could skip the flight and drive to your destination, but then you’d miss all the fun. So if you insist on being a party pooper, enjoy this Saturday Night Live video or follow the TSA’s mock Twitter account (special thanks to the Copywriter Underground for tweeting a link). And lastly, in all fairness, here is one blog post that highlights TSA agents’ real-life reactions to providing enhanced pat-downs, which confirms that TSA agents are people too, and no, they don’t get off on touching your man boobs.




4 thoughts on “Traveling by air? Enjoy your free TSA Enhanced Pat Down!

  1. I like #8. Hehe

    I’m really torn with this whole pat down conundrum that’s come up recently. I’ve flown many many times this decade. In fact I was flying the October right after 9/11 and security wasn’t even this tight. Being a caramel complexion man I tend to get “special treatment” whenever I fly (even though I’m African American, Puerto Rican, Italian and Irish). I’m definitely not a fan of the x-ray scans. Thankfully you can still opt out of those. The manual body checks though, I’m neither here nor there with it. I really don’t care if someone pats me down. I put myself in their shoes and think that I wouldn’t want to touch anyone as much as I don’t want to be touched so it’s a mutually unenjoyable experience for both parties. A lot of people are up in arms regarding invasion of person privacies but this pales in comparison to flying out of let’s say Israel. People think what we’re doing is strict. They’d be mortified at what you have to go through there.

    1. I know, I’m torn, too. I hesitated before putting this post together because of that. but then the taglines started popping out and i couldn’t resist. 🙂 humor is my crutch, what can i say? I don’t think i want to know what they’re doing in israel, then. as much as i want everyone to be safe on these flights, i worry about the agents who are doing the screening. the incident with the bladder cancer survivor shows us that there has to be a better balance between heightened awareness and humanity. i’m not sure that’s built into the training. once we start losing that…one small step down a slippery slope? I don’t know. But I’m glad we have blogs and humor and other outlets for talking about it! as always, thanks for reading, ian. have a great day!

  2. @The Zen Assassin, just because they do this in Israel doesn’t make it right. I think we should put an end to this kind of overt invasion of privacy and personal space before these so called TSA agents become even more overzealous. Treating everyone as a suspected terrorist will not make us any more safe. Besides, a real terrorist would simply invent a new way to kill people rather than give up on his Jihad simply because the TSA is patting people down before they can get on a plane.

    1. Read what I wrote, mate. I never claimed it was right or wrong. It just is what it is. Bush is available to talk now that he’s out of office so feel free to discuss our lack of civil liberties with him.

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